Five Days to Christmas

It’s the 20th of December. Five days to Christmas.

The most wonderful time of the year — or at least that’s how it’s meant to be.

If I’m being honest, my mental health has been all over the place this past week. The noise in my head has returned, loud and relentless, to the point where it feels painful. I don’t think it’s tied to anything specific that’s going on around me. I think this is just part of who I am.

I’ve been writing a lot for my book again, and for a while that helped. Getting the words out always seems to quiet things down, even if only temporarily. At the same time, I’ve been so busy — photographs in libraries, the calendar, Christmas itself — that I haven’t really had time to think.

Or maybe I have, subconsciously. Who knows.

The rain and the darkness definitely haven’t helped. I know I struggle with SAD — seasonal affective disorder, or whatever label fits — and this time of year always seems to amplify everything. Sleep hasn’t come easily either. It’s 4:45am as I write this, sat awake while the rest of the world feels silent.

And yet, despite how rough the week has been mentally, there have been positives all around me.

The 2026 calendar has sold out, and the kindness people have shown has been overwhelming. The messages, the encouragement, the genuine love for the work — it means more than I can properly put into words.

I also found out that a photo I entered into the Autumn competition won. Another unexpected boost. Another reminder that someone, somewhere, connects with what I see through my lens.

Still, even with all that positivity around me, my head hasn’t played ball this week. It’s strange how both things can exist at the same time.

The good news is there are only a few workdays left for my wife before we get to spend some proper time together. Our annual Premier Inn tradition is coming up — bowling, shopping, and a few Christmas drinks. Something familiar. Something grounding. Something I really need.

I’ve been thinking that once Christmas is over, I should throw myself back into the book properly. I want to put it out there in June, for my birthday. Maybe it’ll help clear my head again, like it has before. Who knows.

The past is still noisy. Too many what ifs. Too many things I can’t change but can’t quite let go of either. It’s frustrating, and some days it feels exhausting carrying it all around.

On a lighter note, the trail camera is finally back up and running. After losing the strap I use to fasten it to trees, I had to take a few days off while I searched for it. Typical. Thankfully, it turned up, and the camera is back in place.

I’d just found a really active spot too, before all the rain set in. With the flooding, the deer seem to be moving differently, avoiding certain areas. I’ve decided to leave the camera where it is until at least Boxing Day and see what turns up. Fingers crossed the rain eases and the woodland starts to settle again.

At this point, I think I’m going to try and get back to bed, grab a bit of sleep, and hope I feel a little lighter when I wake up.

I know these blogs can sound like doom and gloom at times, but they genuinely help me. Just getting it off my chest. Saying it out loud. Letting someone know how I’m feeling. That in itself makes a difference.

This will be my last blog before Christmas, so I just want to say this:

Thank you for putting up with my doom, for reading, and for staying on this journey with me. I genuinely appreciate every one of you more than you know.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, however you choose to spend it 🎄