"not good enough - or so I thought"

Not Good Enough — Or So I Thought

The website is live.

Honestly, when I hit the button to publish it, I felt physically sick.

My anxiety went through the roof.

But I’m glad I did it — not just because it’s been a long time coming, but because it’s something I enjoy. Creating the site, writing the blogs, sharing my photography — it helps me empty my head. It’s my therapy, in a way. Like talking to someone when I need to let the stress out.

I used to bottle things up, keep it all inside until it became too much. I’ve learned over time that it’s better to air my crap, even if some people see it as moaning. To me, it’s venting — and venting is what keeps me going.

I’ve been excited about launching this website. I’ve been building it slowly, carefully — getting everything ready behind the scenes. But as the 1st of August crept closer, that old anxiety started whispering again.

"Maybe I shouldn’t go through with it."

"Maybe it’s better to quit before I fail."

That’s been my pattern for a long time. Giving up is easier than failing.

But it’s cost me. It’s cost me nearly everything I’d built over the years.

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I used to play guitar. I haven’t touched it for months.

Not because I don’t love music — it’s just that I lost the spark for it.

I heard a friend playing the other day and it stirred something. Maybe it’s time to pick it up again.

I’ve always struggled with this idea of not being “good enough.”

Even when people told me I was a musician, I’d say, "I just play a bit of guitar." I couldn’t own it.

Funny thing is, I don’t feel that way about photography.

With a camera in my hand, I feel more myself. More comfortable.

Maybe I’ve grown, or maybe I’ve just found the thing that clicks for me.

But the truth is — that “not good enough” feeling has followed me for years.

It got in the way of music. It even cost me a job in the music industry that I loved. My anxiety took hold, imposter syndrome crept in, and before long I was so ill I had to walk away.

Ten months later, I feel more myself again.

I’m cautiously ready to try again — not just with photography, but with life.

My biggest fear now is that the same cycle might repeat: I find something I love, the self-doubt kicks in, and I give up again.

But this time, I’m trying to break that pattern.

By sharing.

By showing up.

By hitting “publish” even when my stomach turns inside out.

So here it is. My website is live. My blog is back.

And I’m still here — camera in hand, guitar within reach, and maybe…

 just maybe… starting to believe I am enough.