Thirteen Forever.

Thirteen Forever

When a childhood mistake follows you into adulthood…

Some days the past feels louder than the present.

I’ve had a few sleepless nights lately. The kind where the noise in your head just won’t quit. I’m 57 now, but it’s like I’m still that thirteen-year-old lad, stuck on a disused railway banking, watching a moment unfold that would quietly follow me for the rest of my life.

A single childhood mistake—something stupid, something so easily done by any one of us—landed on my record. I thought it had disappeared, but it came back to haunt me years later, just when I was finally starting to rebuild.

I got the job. My so-called “dream” job. And then the past crept in through a DBS check. Suddenly I wasn’t a man trying to help others—I was someone with “a record.” Judged not for who I am, but for who I was for a split second, over four decades ago.

I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I don’t fit in. Always seeking approval, never quite enough. But this? This dragged it all back up. And now, it’s costing me chances to do the very thing I know I was born to do—help kids who are struggling, like I once was.

Since I started writing this blog, I’ve applied for more jobs—and not even made it through the shortlist stage.

My sleepless nights are getting worse. It’s really gotten under my skin. I know they’re judging me. I can feel it. That label—"a danger to society"—might as well be stamped across my forehead.

A danger to people.

A danger to children.

I won’t be looked at as someone who can't be trusted around kids. And it makes me wonder—does that include my own grandchildren? Is that how they see me now?

This isn’t just keeping me up at night—it’s pulling me down.

I’m not a threat. The only thing I’ve ever been a danger to is the demons in my own head. Yet after all these years, I’m being treated as though I’m something to fear.

For a stupid act… as a child.

Throwing stones on a railway banking, stupid I know, I was thirteen.

"This isn’t about loss of life — it’s about an experience at thirteen that left a lasting mark on who I am today."

 

And now I’m left questioning everything again. Wondering if it’s even worth it. Wondering if maybe I should just throw in the towel.

There’s more to this story. So much more I haven’t shared here.

But maybe that’s the point of this blog—to give you a glimpse.

A moment.

A feeling.

The full story will be available in my upcoming book Portal to Inner Peace, out June 8th, 2026.

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